Scare Away The Girls With Bike Noises!

Around 1949, the Nelson-Charles Co. in Chicago advertised something that would automatically make you the most hated kid in the culdesac. Airheaded yokels would see this ad for a bicycle noisemaker and immediately imagine themselves as the center of attention as their little kiddie bike scares all the girls away with its special "four-engine" sound device. This accessory wasn't done with boys who actually cared about using bicycles as a mode of transportation, and more for the local tubby lad who uses his bike only to ride to the next-door neighbor's house who are just a couple of feet away. The ad boasts that your dinky velocipede can imitate a roaring motorcycle with its sensational new Aero-Motor making the rider feel like a bad-ass road warrior decades before there even was such a thing. God only knows you want to impress the other bratty boys like the dork in the sailor cap thinking he's Donald Duck complaining about the racket, or the overenthusiastic plaid-wearing chump who is totally mesmerized with the whole gizmo since it sounds like an airplane. In reality, the neighborhood kids would complain that the annoying attachment makes the bike owner look like an infant only capable of getting attention by being the loudest possible thing on two wheels. As the pitch for this wasn't terrible enough, the ad offers a bike decoration set as an extra so you can deck your ride out to appear like you're constantly a part of some holiday parade. Nothing fits into the crowd better than showing up to all the other kids with their regular street bikes but your deafening piece of crap with patriotic flags and streamers is a tumultuous eyesore. Good luck keeping any friends in your tiny suburban heaven when you're literally demanding that everyone pay attention to you just because you're taking a quick trip to the nearby drug store.