Stupid Comics

Great Comics Publications would regularly have small segments of non-fiction. Some might be a single-page history accounting, others would be a short biography of famous or infamous figures. There were shorts on folks like George Washington, Nathan Hale, Jean Lafitte, and William Tell. Another was labeled Great Manhunts about nasty criminals, although whether these cases existed is more of a mystery. One installment that was in each issue of Choice Comics was G-Men Vs. Crime which went over real case files of government agents pursuing crooks like the Fleagle Bros., Al Brady, as well as the unrelated Brady Gang. Another semi-redundant portion was World’s Greatest Spies going on about espionage from both sides of the tracks including Mata Hari, Frans von Papen, Heinrich Albert, and the heroic Louise de Bettignies. A separate bit titled Murder On The River was a tall tale of a young man named Danny Russell in New Orleans who gets out of a murder case thanks to the intervention of the gig...

American Merchandising Company had a litany of wacko products they made comic book ads for during the Golden Age. One of which was the handy office tool-turned kids' toy in the Simplex portable typewriter. However, there were other totally pointless commodities like the Juke Box Bank. Going for $1.98 back in the 40s, it would run for about $24.95 by today's market. The ad ran in comic books make it seem like this is the Holy Grail of novelty items, but the only thing it really does is light up its idiotic slogan, "It's Wise To Be Thrifty" whenever you deposit a coin in it. The bank comes with a battery and bulb to activate this little feature, but a replacement for each part probably wasn't that easy for the average kid back then whose entire life would be focused on this useless item. The way the ad makes this thing out to be, just because it lights up and gives you a single piece of advice whenever you stick in a nickel in it that everyone in the neighborhoo...

Worth Carnahan published a few anthology comics back in 1940, one of which was titled O.K. Comics, so you know they weren't overselling themselves when they flat out admitted to their own mediocrity. For their first issue, they premiered the strange lad designated "Little Giant". Professor Rednow tests a new serum developed to make people into physical giants on a young boy. The serum doesn't increase his size, but it does grant him give super-strength. Rednow also creates a special suit that allows the boy to leap tall buildings, as well as a special body paint called Impurvogen which makes anyone coated with it invulnerable. Whether this Impurvogen still works after the test subject takes a bath is uncertain, which makes you wonder whether or not if the poor dope is immune to soap as well, meaning he might be invulnerable but totally incapable of washing off any body odor. A few weeks later, Rednow and the unnamed boy go to New York so they can rendezvous with the P...

Lady Satan must have been a popular moniker throughout the Golden Age because several different ladies took up the mantle during a short period of comics history. We've already talked about the Bronze Age version, even though she was more of an anti-heroine as it was about someone struggling with possession. The original was created by Shazam artist George Tsuka in Dynamic Comics and Red Seal Comics by Harry Chesler's Dynamic Publishing. The woman of mystery kept her true identity secret and first started out as a spy for the Allied Forces as she helped free a portion of France from German invaders. Lady Satan could slip in and out of her alias while wearing a mask and a long red cloak, even though both guises were of a leggy brunette in mini skirt which you think would gain some attention from any horny agents. This masked maiden immediately shifted from being a Nazi smasher to a full-on sorceress who tracked down supernatural foes along with a magic ring that could release va...

Namor creator Bill Everett started his comics career when he dreamed up the strange space hero known as Skyrocket Steele for Centaur Publication's Amazing Mystery Funnies. He also came up with an even stranger space hero in Issue #3, Dirk the Demon. The young lad dresses more like a cheeky young lass instead of a boy with an unbuttoned tunic showing off his chest and a very short pair of short shorts that makes a certain Boy Wonder's wardrobe look less questionable. Billed as being an archeologist from the 24th Century, Dirk lives in a castle way in the future with his father Baron Cay, so he's already of noble blood, but why he's called The Demon is never brought up, other than it just sounded cooler than Hon Dirk. The story opens up in Dirk's castle with his trio of shirtless pals who act as his tight team planning an excavation by stealing his papa's hydroplane, which is probably just a trendy future term for an airplane. The team jacks the airship and heads ...

From the same issue that gave us The Slave Pits Of Uranus, Issue #3 of Weird Tales Of The Future from 1952 not only had one of Basil Wolverton's wilder pieces of cover art, but also one if his most hallucinatory stories. Nightmare World is a tight tale lasting only 4-pages long whose prime message appears to be "science bad!". Herman Lasher is a chemist trying to probe into the secrets of the subconscious mind which would later on be known as dropping acid. His newest formula looks promising and like all comic book scientists he tests it on himself. It whisks him to a dreamscape right out of Super Mario Bros. Herman's vision starts out like an M.C. Esher base drawing, only to be interrupted by a grotesque humanoid that comes gliding in on a large skin membrane that makes it look like a zombie fused with a flying squirrel. The bat-like creature captures Herman and flies him up to the top of a mountain where there is a similar looking abomination with its skull pulled o...

Stanley Morse, or Key Publishing, or Gillmor Magazines had a broad selection of titles in the Golden Age that ranged from action, military, romance, teen humor, and even talking animals, including a Peter Cottontail comic that has nothing to do with the song it was based on. One of the best of these was Weird Tales Of The Future which was largely sci-fi tales mixed with horror. Issue #3 of this anthology series featured an amazing cover by the legendary Basil Wolverton of a gigantic zombie rising from his grave to spook a sexy blonde who just stopped by the cemetery to grieve for a loved one. This same issue also has one of the most unintentionally hilarious titles for a story, The Slave Pits Of Uranus. Written by an unknown author and drawn by Bulletman artist Ed Smalle, this sprawling space saga was condensed to a mere six pages with a plot more rushed than the speed of light. Set in a time yet to come, the Solar System has been largely colonized by humans and patrolled by space mars...