Stupid Comics

Sometimes thought of as the first comics superheroine, Fantomah was beaten out by the Magician From Mars by a few months when she premiered in the second issue of Fiction House's Jungle Comics in 1940. Fantomah was created by Fletcher Hanks, although he used the pen name Barclay Flagg while making her, and she was not your common jungle girl stereotype, or at least in the beginning. One of Hanks' other creations was Stardust the Space Wizard who could pretty much do anything the plot needed for him to do. Fantomah was equally overpowered as she was referred to as "Mystery Woman Of The Jungle", and not in a female Tarzan kind of way but more of a modern-day living goddess which the opening narration for nearly every episode claimed she was the most remarkable woman ever known. Fantomah appears to be a hot blonde in a revealing black negligee which is unusual as far as jungle girl attire is usually just a roadkill bikini, but when she needs to get aggressive Fantomah tu...

One comic book ad that struck fear in the hearts of male readers everywhere was by Ward Laboratories, Inc. During the 1950s, they ran a series of advertisements that told you to "save your hair" with one of them looking like something right out of horror movie. Ward had done ads before that did a close-up hair-destroying germs, but this particular one had a huge monstrous hand reaching through the several microscopic shots and reaching for a poor middle-aged man's head who appears to be scared out of his skull. The real sting here is the lightning bolts striking the man's top saying that the mere touch of this germ-infested zombie hand would cause head odors, dandruff, and scalp itch, as if this would happen in real life. The chances of you coming across an undead appendage in the wild with the sole purpose of giving you fallen hair are pretty thin. The fact that these ads were made up for a kid's publication but were aimed at older men is confounding as if the ad...

Most everyone has seen the We Can Do It poster of Rosie the Riveter, but two years before J. Howard Miller did that famous painting, the comic book character Pat Patriot probably served as the idea prototype. Lev Gleason Publications started the story in the pages of Issue #2 of the original Daredevil comics in 1941 created by the combined talents of Charles Biro and Bob Wood who both popularized the genre of crime comics. Unlike most superheroines of the time, Patricia Patrios wasn't a bored debutante who fought crime but a genuine working girl starting off on a military assembly line that moonlighted as an actress playing a female Uncle Sam (or Aunt Sam) wearing an American flag outfit. One night after a performance while she was still in costume, she stops a plot by her factory boss who was selling airplane parts to the Axis powers. From this point on, she was given the professional name of Pat Patriot and gets into one scrape after the other as both a government mascot and spok...

Dean Ross Piano Studios had been printing their advance course booklets for a while in the 40s, but when the 50s crawled along they really amped up their game by using comics to brainwash youngsters into thinking that learning to play piano is the only thing that can save you from a life of social exile. These comic ads promoted their ever so special patented Automatic Chord Selector which was really just a cut-out piece of paper that acts as a finger guide for anyone wanting to tickle the ivories. For some reason, nearly every other middle-class home had a piano taking up an immense amount of space during the mid-20th Century, probably because there wasn't much on TV at the time, so pianos were the nexus of all get-togethers. Dean Ross devised a deceptive ploy in their ad's short comic about a girl named Mary fretting herself into near catatonic state just because her friend Betty is now an irresistible man-magnet only due to the meager skills she learned from Dean Ross. At lu...

In 1953, the craze of 3D comics had publishers thinking that this was going to be the next evolution in comics, but it turned out to be just a passing fad. However, Harvey Comics decided to create the first stereoscopic superhero, Captain 3D, and they called in comic book royalty to work on it. Captain America creators Jack Kirby and Joe Simon handled the story, with Kirby doing all the art along with Mort Meskin and Steve Ditko in his first ever professional superhero comic. The comic came with two pairs of 3D glasses, but this trend didn't pan out so Harvey only did a single issue. Captain 3D had one of the gaudiest superhero uniforms ever made outside of Canada's Polka-Dot Pirate with his striped leggings, red buccaneer boots, dorky helmet and with a big "3D" emblem over the chest, he seemed more like a corporate mascot than a legit hero. The idea behind the character was to have a superhero who could literally leap off the page into the real world, although only i...

Do you want to get World War 3 with ants? Because this is how you get it! Youthful Magazines' Captain Science had a few stand-alone sci-fi tales during its 7-issue run, one of which is more of an alien invasion than an actual world war. Starting out in 1952, an explosion in Earth's atmosphere has ants raining down onto the planet who all grew to giant size after eating. Soon the entire globe is infested with colossal creepy crawlers, and entomologist Prof. Tom Leigh realizes the imminent danger, so he gathers a co-ed group of scientists to seal themselves in a university lab and try to find a solution to the ant-mageddon. The his/hers crew realize they don't have enough supplies to last before they can find a resolution to the big bugs, so one of them creates a plastic formula that embalms anyone into suspended animation, so they spend the next several decades sealed away with only two scientists at a time working on the ultimate ant eliminator. Cut ahead to 2052 and Tom is...

Joe Weider was a bodybuilder from Canada who started the International Federation Of Body Builders with his brother Ben, and founded the Mr. Universe contest, not to mention he got hitched to Betty Brosmer who was a pinup girl with the nearly impossible proportions of 38-18-36. He also published several magazines like Flex, Shape, and Men's Fitness, although his major claim to fame was his infamous comic book ads that ran all the way from the Golden Age up into modern times. One of the latter ads got Weider into trouble because he roped a young Arnold Schwarzenegger into being the poster boy for his faulty Weider Formula supplements which didn't produce the results it boasted about. Another ad has a scrawny boy asking his muscular friend Rocky about how to attract bikini girls on the beach simply by getting the Weider training booklet. However, one of the most offensive ones boasted that anyone who followed his flag would turn into a raging psychopath wanting to pick fights wit...

George Brenner created some loser superheroes like 711, Destiny, and Just'n'Right, not to mention the laughable villain Brick Bat, but he did make the original super mecha Bozo The Robot, plus the very first comic book costumed superhero known as The Clock, so you have to take the bad with the good. One such bad character was shafted into The Clock's adventures was the boyish Little Orphan Annie wannabe, Butch. The Clock himself was Brian O'Brien, your average rich socialite who fought crime in his secret identity which is just a fine gentlemen's outfit with a black mask draped over his face. This might sound like dozens of other superheroes like Batman, but The Clock was the original character to use this motif in comics, bridging the gap between pulp fiction and comic book heroes. The Clock did have a partner nicknamed Pug who oddly enough looked similar to O'Brien, which would've been helpful if The Clock ever needed a stand-in to publicly pose as his civ...

For anyone who thought superheroes wore only flamboyant costumes that showed off way more skin than they should have, then they would have used Captain Truth as their poster child. Coming out in 1945, Cambridge House Publishers did about three one-shot mixed bag anthologies, one of which was Gold Medal Comics debuting the exuberant musketeer wannabe in his own single story. Ken Elliot is a teenage orphan who instead of becoming a millionaire's youthful ward lives in poverty, but at sometime in his life he gained the powers of flight, bullet immunity, and super senses, although how he got these extraordinary talents is a big mystery as there was no enchanted ring or magical lightning involved. Ken dawns an outfit with a cavalier hat complete with a feather, plus matching red trunks, boots, and gloves that fully exposes his chest and legs, while getting a little more comfort from a canary yellow cape. In his only ever tale calling himself Captain Truth, the boisterous boy hero flies ...

Aside from Charles Atlas, another bodybuilder persona that had a series of comic book advertisements was Mike Marvel. Now, whether or not Mike was related to any of the 8.5 Captain Marvels is up in the air, but he managed to have ever-changing ads in comics from the 1950s-70s. Mike was selling his book on what was only specialized stretches for just 10 minutes every day using his patented Dynaflex method. He claims that you can do this no weights at all or even any exercise, although stretching is itself a form of exercise. His book on isometrics says that when you're finished his course you could rip whole phone books apart, which doesn't do much good nowadays, plus the book largely exaggerates some of the superhuman feats you can accomplish simply by Mike's stretching techniques. The comic ad has details and testimonials that are shrunk down so small to the point you need a microscope to actually read it, but it makes a point to show that you can gets these life-changing ...

Comic books have been a source for promoting everything from politicians, sports, shoes, groceries, cooking, metals, and various other subjects, but during the 50s, the Helme Tobacco Company tried to coax kids into enjoying their glorious snuff products. Snuff-Man was the title given to this 16-page advertisement printed by cartoonist Vic Herman's studio, and it was also the nickname given to snuff salesman George who begins a long conversation with two boys, one of which is Leroy, the younger brother of a George's date Junie was picking up at home. Leroy asks why his sister calles him Snuff-Man as if he was a D-List superhero in a bad parody magazine, so George waxes on about the story of snuff and how it was practically the backbone of human civilization all thanks to Columbus' little boat trip. A ton of laughs are to be had into this revisionist history of snuff, including how weed has medicinal value, how the crown heads of Europe were able to make objective decisions a...

Long before the champion of Grayskull got the power, there was another to hold the mantle of He-Man. With only a single appearance in the one-shot Tally-Ho by the Bailey Publishing Company, this He-Man was really just another of those lovable lumbering lunkheads like Joe Palooka, Lil' Abner, or Ozark Ike who have the strength of an ox and a heart of gold. Drawn by veteran comic artist Charles Voight, the story opens in Snood, North Dakota as Sampson Hercules Muckles is a sheepherder who is lifting up his entire house just to get a better view, and he gets a letter from the granny he never knew he had. Gran'maw Nuckles tells Sampson that he is part of a lineage of circus strong men and his uncle Herman (nicknamed: He-Man) set up He-Man Inc., a school of physical education which she wants him to take over. Sampson has a phobia of metal, so Gran'maw gives him a special talisman his grandpa had in WWII that's supposed to make him impervious to metal. It turns out the talism...

Anyone who went to school in the 70s-80s might be familiar with McGraw Hill Inc. with all the stock educational short films they churned out, but one of their other branches has been running ads in comics for decades. The National Radio Institute started out in 1914 and was in business for 88 years teaching spry youngsters how to be a radiotician which advertised their thriving business in comic books, especially from the 40s-60s with ever-changing pitches for each generation. The founder James Ernest Smith appeared in nearly every ad where he would either be commanding you to join their institute like Uncle Sam for the US Army, others were a little more subtle where he says that "I will train you at home," like he was literally going to show up at your front door and give you a private lesson then hang around to sign autographs. One of the earlier NRI ads which ran in pulp magazines had James claiming that working in radio is "almost romance", although how romantic...

There were quite a few female aviators during the Golden Age, but one of the few to actually have their own semi-secret identity was Black Venus. Captain Midnight artist Charles Tomsey was the original creator of the pretty pilot who went through many redesigns in her short stint from Aviation Press' Contact Comics which ran for the first nine issues. Starting off in Burma in WWII, USO hostess Mary Roche dances with the pilots, but when its closing time she goes to her secret hangar and changes clothes to be the leg bearing Black Venus who sets off in her fighter plane to take down the nearby Japanese forces. Mary didn't wear a mask or anything in her alter ego but put a hot lady in a tight or revealing outfit and your average onlooker seems to block out their secret identity. Her second adventure had an even skimpier outfit more resembling a leather bar leader as she took down the cross-dressing Agent X. In her third story, Black Venus moved to Australia and began wearing the ...

Leader Enterprises, also known as Universal Phoenix Features, had a brief time as a comic book publisher starting in 1946. Since this was post WWII, most of their content was adventure and comedy titles. One anthology was Seven Seas Comics telling tales of pirates, sea voyages, and the compelling Tugboat Tessie, plus a character featured in each issue was South Sea Girl who was created by graphic novel progenitor Manning Lee Stokes and drawn by the groundbreaking black artist Matt Baker who most comics fans are familiar with his cheesecake style on characters like Phantom Lady and Tiger Girl. The title character of these tropical tales was Alani who was referred to as South Sea Girl because white tourists weren't very good at remembering the names of natives in the South Pacific. Taking place in the Vanishing Isles, Alani wasn't just some island princess who only knew how to do the hula, but was in fact the queen of her people and very knowledgeable of the outer world who had d...

Honor House strikes again. The dispensers of x-ray specs, wrist radios, sea monkeys, and nuclear mini-subs also tried to sell this totally unnecessary bicycle accessory. Honor House Production Corp. created a half-page ad for a scant few comics during the Silver Age that was supposed to fit most of your average bikes at the time, a full-sized windshield that you could get for only a dollar. Intended to be a wind deflector for the casual neighborhood bike rider, this transparent vinyl layered bird poop projector was made with modern "trampoline construction" which would be great if you were using a trampoline and not buying this flimsy thing. Intended to act similar to a windshield for motorcycles, this one for bikes comes only with a pair of brittle clamps to hold it in place, even though it does have the bonus of a pouch in case you wanted to keep your car keys in it. There's a 10-day free trial, but no word if you get your quarter for shipping back. The ad claims the wi...

Before his Wizard King Trilogy, Wally Wood had another otherworldly outing in a one-shot story from the first issue of Captain Science by Youth Publications which was one of their few sci-fi titles as they specialized in westerns. In a story not connected to the title character, Wood's The Monster God Of Rogor has archeologist Tayne Whitney investigating the markings on an ancient crystal orb which transports him to strange realm of Banthu, like all crystal balls are known to do. This mysterious land is ran by the luscious high priestess Maryl and the inhabitants see Tayne as your standard savior sent from another world to light their darkest hour. The ones threatening the lively Banthu lifestyle are the forces of Rogor, a monster god whose priests shove their doctrine into those who don't give generously to their chosen deity. Rogor's main rep is Sek, a frog-faced freak who doesn't buy into Banthu's messiah prophecy, and leaves Tayne alone in a cell with Maryl wher...

Triumph Comics, also called Triumph Adventure Comics, was published in Canada by Hillborough Studios in 1941. Most comic historians are familiar with their premiere character of Nelvanna of the Northern Lights who was the first Canadian superheroine, but they also managed to have one of those, "we're too lazy to finish the artwork, so you do it for us" drawing contests. Once Bell Features bought out Hillborough, they changed the title to just Triumph Comics, and one of their ads was for a free event where they drew out the bodies of three separate characters but expected the rank amateurs to fill in the rest. The characters were supposedly a flamboyant sailor, a standard comics good girl, and person of short stature who most would probably picture as being a food mascot or a Mr. Monopoly clone. While the effort put into this is minimal, it included ripping out a page from a Golden Age comic book and sending it to the publisher which critically devalues the price for any f...

Just after Super 6, and several decades before the Dispatch video game, the idea of part-time heroes came from Miracles Inc. thought up by Wally Wood who first introduced them in the second issue of Harvey Comics' Unearthly Spectaculars in 1966. Wood wrote and drew the introductory chapter for this, but the next issue containing the more feature-length story was written by Joe Simon and drawn by Spirit artist Jerry Grandenetti, but why Wood wasn't available for the second installment is one of the great mysteries of our time. Coming out during the height of the campy hero craze thanks to Adam West, Miracles Inc. was a cacophony of Silver Age comic cliches which sprung up more superhero team spoofs than actually legitimate teams made of mismatched crimefighters. Set in a bustling midwestern town, the bewildered scientist and non-time lord Professor Who assembled his empowered employees to greet their unbeatable guest who manages to get passed all the other heroes to earn a spot ...

There was a whole ocean's worth of how-to books that were advertised in Golden Age comics, but the central node for most of these were published by Pickwick Company. They printed everything from books on martial arts, speaking foreign languages, and dancing. One of their most infamous ads tried enticing people by yelling, "don't be a left-over", urging the reader to teach themselves to dance or they'll end up as a sad single girl sullying on a giant dinner plate with chicken bones and unchewed peas. So, unless you get a book about tap dancing or swing steps, then your entire social life is doomed to be stranded in the tremendous aftermath of an unsuccessful Thanksgiving party. The amount of books they offer differs between each ad as you could get up to three for a buck, or later on an entire instruction course for about two bucks, so it varied over time and they weren't always specific with how many books you might get in separate promotions. Pickwick's a...